Selfish, childish and foolish

Why is it selfish to want more?

You already have a roof over your head, you don't have to worry about your next meal, you have a family you love, great friends, you have a degree, and you have hobbies. So many people don't have these things you take for granted. You are already good enough at many things, for them to bring you joy. You should just be grateful that you've been given such a gift, so many people can't do one of the many things you can do. You shouldn't have the nerve to say you aren't good enough at something when so many people are bad at it!

But people have other needs than the very basic ones. And for some reason I should show my deep gratefulness, and how humble my privilege has made me, by denying myself anything more. Because it's selfish. Because everyone doesn't have what I have. But that means denying my humanity. It means denying myself growth and dreams. It means to stop moving forward, to stop making progress, to stop striving for greatness? And for who? No one! Denying yourself good things isn't going to help anyone in need. It's completely and solely for your own ego.

I'm so annoyed when people tell me I should be grateful I draw, or write so well. That it's selfish to say I'm not good enough. Because there are other people who don't draw or write as well as I do. But how is that selfish, when me, and those people have completely different personal standards?? When I say I'm not good enough, I obviously mean I'm not good enough (yet) for someone who is looking to write or draw for a living, I'm not saying it because I want people to convince me I'm good! It's not a cry for pity, it's a realistic and critical examination of my abilities and how much I still have to grow before I can reach my goals. I'm not comparing myself to other people but the standard I have to reach! Can't people understand the difference?

Denying yourself the wishes that are higher in the hierarchy of needs means denying your human nature, and denying the progress humanity could have through you. And for what? For your ego.

That's what I call selfish.


Why is it childish to make your own path?

Get a high education, get a job that pays well, get a man, get a house, get a kid or two or three. You shouldn't be reluctant to have so stressful job that you have no energy for your hobbies anymore, because that is completely normal. You should be serious about finding a man, otherwise, when you are older and wiser and realize you want a man, there won't be any good ones left. Of course you will want children, you silly. After all, all of these are things that everybody owes to society.

I have nothing in particular against the idea of having a high(er) education, a well paying job, and a family.

Except, that I prioritize other things. And, there are only so many hours in a day.

But why is it childish to want to create a life that suits you personally? Why am I childish for prioritizing things that make my life meaningful, like my hobbies? As if it's childish to want to be happy. As if adults aren't meant to be happy.

As if I'm not a productive member of society, if I don't make a lot of money and kids. Well, in the name of Art and Culture, I firmly believe that there are other things to contribute to society besides those two mentioned earlier.

Doing what you're "expected to do" only because most people do it, labeling things that cause some people harm as "normal" only because it doesn't cause harm to most, and believing it's the only way even when it does, because others did the same before you and didn't whine about it... expecting everyone to become adults the same way, to become the same kind of adults...

That's what I call childish.


Why is it foolish to try, against the odds?

You can't make a living out of writing or any kind of art. So few people are able to make that happen, there's no point even trying. You must get a sensible job that pays well, then you can have hobbies in your free time. But don't expect anything to come out of them. Because most people dream of a creative job. But that's just it. It's a dream! You should really get it together and stop investing so much time to things that don't pay. It's time to get serious.

Yeah, okay, but some people do make it. Some people can make a living out of their dream. Technically, I could be one of them.

But I'm not expecting to be. I'm doing what I do because it's personally fulfilling for me, in itself. I'm not dreaming about being a writer because I think it's somehow a glorious career! I'm dreaming about it, because I love writing, and I have so many stories to tell. But it's not the end of the world if I can't make a living out of it. As long as I can tell those stories.

And I am very serious, thank you very much. I'm serious about all those things that don't pay. I'm serious about the experience of reading a great book, I'm serious about every doodle that is making me draw better, and I'm serious about every ballet class where I can improve myself, even though I've always known I'm not cut out to be a dancer. I'm sorry they're not the same things you're serious about.

What baffles me is, that some people seem to think that your job should automatically be more important to you than your hobbies. That if you can't make a living out of something you should pretty much just throw it out of the window. You shouldn't even try to arrange your life the way that makes you able to do the things you truly want to do, the things that fill your life with meaning, even when they don't pay, because it's... objectively more sensible to have a lot of money than be happy?

You can't make compromises because more money is always more important than more time and energy? Just because you can't get everything you dream of, you should just... stop dreaming, and not try to even get a portion of it?

That's what I call foolish.


End of rant.

Highly Sensitive

Hello. I'm a so called "Highly Sensitive Person". HSP.

This concept has been widely popular for some time now, because of Dr. Elaine Aron's research and her book The Highly Sensitive Person and all the books that came out after that. I, like many other highly sensitive people, read that book some years ago, and felt like a large part of me was really, deeply understood for the first time in my life. I cried many times while I was reading that book. It just made so much sense, and there were so many things in it I hadn't been able to put into words, especially when I was a child, and now this book was doing it for me.

I'm also really pissed sometimes.

Not at anything that has anything to do with the book(s). I love everything I've gained from reading Dr. Aron's work.

However, now that the topic has been really popular, and almost everyone has heard about it (Which is great in itself of course!) I really don't like how it gets treated. I often hear people commenting something (irl and online) either about being HSP or how they perceive people who are like that, and most of the time their opinions are Highly Misinformed.

Some of the things I've heard people say go somewhere along the lines:


"I hate being a HSP! My moods change all the time, and I can't stand it!"

"I'm, like, really HSP, I cry all the time."

"I just don't get along with people because I'm a HSP."

"I don't have energy because I'm a HSP."

"This HSP shit is bs. It's not my responsibility to avoid people's triggers."

"HSP. The new word for people with Special Snowflake Syndrome."

"Now there's a word for being weak and over-emotional."


Um, 'kay.

So... after hearing so much of this, I feel like sharing my two cents about what being highly sensitive is, what it isn't, and how I personally experience it.


1. Sensitive ≠ emotional

Some people seem to think that everyone who has a hard time dealing with their emotions, cries a lot, feels strongly about things, feels intense emotions, likes drama in their life, or is somehow emotionally unstable, is highly sensitive.

Well, no.

I'm highly sensitive, and I'm not "emotional". On the contrary. One of the things about me, that many people are impressed about is how stable and calm I am. I've also been called rational and, a "problem solver".

No, I will not blow up at you at the slightest critique. You don't have to choose your words any more carefully with me, than you would with anyone you treat with normal amount of respect.

I will, however, understand your feelings very well. I can imagine them vividly even if I haven't been in a similar situation myself.

Also, intense emotions will overwhelm me. I will not be watching a World War II movie with multiple torture scenes with you.


2. It's about Sensory-Processing Sensitivity.

It means you process everything deeply. Not just emotions. It essentially means you see, hear, taste, feel, and overall experience more subtleties and take in more information from your environment than average.

This is why HSPs get overwhelmed and tired in intense environments faster than others. But no, it doesn't mean that we'll fall apart and cry in a corner until someone picks us up. Something like that is definitely not normal, and if anyone acts like that, they need help. We will most likely just seem a little tired, absent-minded, or mentally out of reach.

Of course it's possible that we're quicker to cry when we're really overwhelmed. But that's true of anyone!

Still remember that WWII movie? The reason I'm not watching it with you is not that I'm weaker. It's because I feel it stronger than you. If you felt like you were being tortured yourself while watching it, and the memory would come back to haunt you for weeks after the movie, you wouldn't watch it either.


3. It's biological.

This isn't made up. It's not new. Highly sensitive individual's nervous system works differently. Scientists have found this trait in a lot more species than just humans, and judge it to serve a purpose for the survival of the species.

Because highly sensitive individuals are more aware of subtleties, notice small changes and take longer to make decisions, they have their own role in protecting their group by preventing danger.

Visit Dr. Elaine Aron's site for more information.


4. I love being a HSP!

I don't believe it's really something you can hate in itself. If you "hate being HSP" because you have mood swings or something, then it's not really being HSP that you hate, and you might not even be highly sensitive. You could be of course, but not because you have mood swings. Those don't have anything to do with being highly sensitive. Any sentence that starts with "I hate being HSP..." is likely followed by something else that is wrong in the person's life.

If you're highly sensitive, and generally satisfied with life, then there are likely many things that you appreciate about being the way you are.

First of all, I love my inner life. My imagination. My ability to create paracosms and imagine up life-like characters, places and scenarios. I'm never, ever bored, because I always have some place to go, even if for the moment I'm physically forced to stay somewhere I don't want to be.

I love how my appreciation for the things around me never runs out. Simple sunlight on grass, a person with a gentle voice or a shirt made of soft fabric is going to make me very happy. In general, I feel like I need things to be much lower "volume" to enjoy them, than most people around me. (Whether it's about music or something else.) Sure, it's a little lonely sometimes. Sure, it means I also can't stand as high "volume" as others. But generally I love my ability to see more in less.

Also, we're not that rare. I have highly sensitive friends who understand, and it's great to share the experiences we enjoy and the details in life other people look past.


5. Sensitivity isn't measured in tears.

There are many reason why someone cries more than someone else. Some are physiological. Crying easily doesn't necessarily mean you're highly sensitive.

Being highly sensitive just means you're moved by more subtle things that the average person.


6. You shouldn't be tired all the time.

Being a HSP is not a lack of energy. We have just as much energy as anyone else. We just get tired faster by certain kind of activities and environments. But it doesn't mean we have any less energy if we can direct it to things we're comfortable with.

If I was tired all the time, I wouldn't think it's because I'm highly sensitive. I'd think it's because I need a life style change. It would be because I hadn't taken the time to take care of my needs (as a highly sensitive person, too), not essentially because I'm highly sensitive. That kind of thinking implies we don't have any control over our lives.


7. Not special

We are not special, and don't suffer from Special Snowflake Syndrome. We're not trying to make you see us as "different" for attention. It's just a fact that we differ from about 80% of people in a significant area. Most people probably are the minority in something.

So, being empowered by things that are easier for us because of the way we are, or sometimes feeling lonely or misunderstood because of the things that aren't as easy for us as they are to the majority, isn't attention seeking. It's understandable.

Sure, someone might use the label for attention. But that's not our fault, as a group.

8. "Why does this matter it's not about me!"

That's essentially what people are saying when they claim that being highly sensitive is not really a thing. Sure, if you're a jerk I guess you can't be expected to care about anything that has anything to do with someone other than you.

But really, learning about sensitivity doesn't mean that you have to give some special treatment to highly sensitive people. That's not what we're asking for. In fact, we're not asking for anything.

We're just happy that there are concepts and language to explain our experience! So that we can better communicate with people who are cool enough to care about things that don't necessarily have anything to do with them, and want to understand other people to make relationships smoother.

So, if you are a jerk, and don't want to change, and are happy the way you are, I don't have a message for you.

But if you are someone who cares about other people and your personal relationships with them, then I do recommend learning about sensitivity. Because it's likely that you have highly sensitive people in your circles, and understanding where they're coming from might do miracles for your communication.



Okay, one more thing!!

I'm not saying any of this because I want to promote some kind of HSP elitism.

The reason I'm saying that being emotional, tired or moody isn't the same as being a HSP isn't because I have some kind of ego issue, like I don't want to be associated with being emotional or something like that! This is not the purpose of this post.

I'm saying all this because if you think you're a HSP for the wrong reasons, IT'S NOT REALLY GOING TO HELP YOU.

This isn't some neat title. It's research that is supposed to be helpful in people's lives. Even if you ARE a HSP, and you blame all your problems on being that way, it's not going to help you! Especially if the problem in someone's life is something big that needs treatment, like a mental disorder, but they're only looking for help from the concept of high sensitivity, it's not going to help them. Because being a HSP is not essentially a PROBLEM. It's a personality trait and it isn't good or bad in itself, but it has both negative and positive aspects, depending on the situation. Using it as an explanation for all the problems in your life isn't helpful. And I've seen thinking like this around so much.

I really wish that people who need help, would get it. So if you have someone in your life who talks about being highly sensitive, and after reading this, you feel like you've been misinformed about what being highly sensitive is, because this person acts moody, or reckless, or doesn't seem that happy in life... maybe consider informing them about the difference too, and encourage them to look for help in the things that are actually bothering them.


Thank you for reading this far. I hope you got some food for thought.





Photos ©  Josefina S

Blog survey for writers: 9. How do you get ideas for your characters?

My process of creating characters is very much unconscious, but they are usually one of the first ideas I have for a story's world. I'm conscious of someone being there, that I'm looking at this new paracosm through the eyes of someone specific, an individual. If you know about MBTI and cognitive functions, it has been said that for INFJs the creative process is often unconscious and that's why they feel almost like they aren't responsible for what they create.

Well, that happens to be exactly the case for me. I don't feel like I'm doing anything to create my characters. One day they just are there. It's like they already exist, they catch my interest. Some theme, or incident, or something made my mind wander where they already were and that's why I could find them.

It's almost like meeting a person in this reality. What I know first might be things like their name, their looks, the general air about them, their biggest obsession or how they treat other people. Something like that. To know more, I have to get to know them, either by perceiving, interacting, or listening them tell me.

Fictional characters are like that too. I have to write their story to get to know them in a level as deep as I desire to.

The characters are my window to their world and their story. While I learn about their world and story through their eyes, I also learn about them according to the world around them. When the story has been in my mind for a long time, I usually have a good idea about my character's reactions and opinions about things, but even so, to know what the character is going to do in a specific situation, I always have to write it. It's not uncommon for my character to make a completely different decision in their story, from what I thought they would, because I couldn't yet see all the variables that affected the character's decision in the specific scenario that I ended up writing.

So, as you can probably guess I'm one big discovery writer. I try to outline sometimes, with big projects, but I can't help it, it never turns out like the outline! It's just impossible to know exactly what the characters are going to do before the story actually gets there!

So, in short my characters seem to come to me out of nowhere, and they get fleshed out in writing only.

However, I'm not that unconscious of my internal processes anymore, that I would believe the characters actually come out of nowhere. I guess it would be more accurate to say that by brain synthesizes them from all the knowledge I have gathered about human mind, behavior, personality etc. Knowing this, I still feel like they are more than the sum of their parts.

I guess how I think that differs from some other styles of creating a character, is that I still don't consciously create them. I don't make lists of their interests or characteristics, or family backgrounds, I let those things come to me in the story. I don't plan their role in the story from beginning to end, I let that unfold before me. I also don't get my ideas from any specific source, like a person I know. I don't base the characters on anyone.

(Well, I have, a couple of times, when I was requested to do so, but even then, deep down, I never thought that the character was that person, just similar to them in some major aspects, so the character ended up being their own person anyway and having characteristics the inspiration didn't have and making decisions they never would have. I think it would be very hard for me the recreate someone entirely, because my mind just isn't wired that way. Fictional characters are as unique to me as "real" people.)

Even though there are no specific sources where my character would spring from, there definitely are specific thoughts or ideas that come to my head, and because I was thinking them, these characters specifically came to me, and not some other characters. Let's take an obvious example: I never would've written an explicitly asexual character if I hadn't discovered asexuality. That's pretty straightforward. But how I think the characters come to me, is a process of more subtle and smaller thoughts and ideas.

In the end, it's a web. It's impossible to say, whether the character is like this because the story needed them to be that way for me to be able to tell it, or if the story is that way, because the character couldn't have made any other choices because of who they are. Everything is connected to everything. It's a whole, more than the answer of a math equation. The character, and the story.

Sometimes, of course, I can pin point that "I probably ended up writing a character who had this trait because I had seen or heard this thing." But that's not the norm. Most often I couldn't tell which came first, the egg or the chicken. I think the human brain is capable of so much more than A-> B -> C kind of thinking. I think it's more often that all these things that are enough for the character to be a person, just come to me at the same time. Or that this thing and that thing that resonated with an outside thing were already in me, and they together resulted in a character, so it's impossible to say which one was the main reason, or there first, or the last nail.

I'm rambling.

Let's look at some characters.

This is Gemma. She only came to me in one sentence, one encounter with one of the main characters. She was not pleasant at all, and I wasn't that interested in her in the beginning, but then it became apparent to me why she acted the way she did and how her life story had led her to that point, and she became one of the dearest faces to me in that world.

This is Sierra. She started out as a sick girl I didn't really know because she spent most of the time sleeping. But when she got better she became an important part of the story, and her story is everything but finished, so I continue to learn new things about her personality. 

These are Cherry and Forrest. I needed a detective who would be unable to solve the crime, and a detective who could, and these two came to me. Their individual strengths and weakness determined how the mystery unfolded.

This is Ririn. She's the character who was actually based on someone, but soon enough started to live her own life and oh my, did her and her friends adventures become a long story.

Derek is one of the characters that I can't say I like, but for some reason he insists on appearing in the story, over and over again. What can I do.

Hart is one of my most beloved characters. He's in a story with multiple viewpoint characters but he's sort of my default viewpoint, and I love looking at the other characters through his warm, fatherly, if often misguided eyes.

I guess what I'm saying is I discover characters in different points of the story and my initial thoughts about them may not always be right or fair to them. But I'll always get to know them more when I write more.

I love that they keep surprising me.

Blog survey for writers: 8. What's your favorite genre to write? To read?

So, I guess I'm back from a year's hiatus. I didn't plan it, and I have no other excuse than I didn't feel like blogging. My last year of university was eventful, sometimes a little too much so, and my attention was everywhere else but this blog. But, I have graduated now, with a master's degree in theology. Maybe I will write a couple of blog posts about last year, to finally process what has happened, but this time I'm starting with something simple and totally inside my comfort zone.

So, continuing my old survey:

My favorite genre to write and read falls somewhere in the realm of speculative fiction. It's fantasy-esque, SF-esque, historical-esque, mystery-esque, and preferably more like an exploration of characters and relationships, often a little lighter on the plot side (not always) than a fast paced and action packed thriller. I enjoy freedom and room for interpretation with things like time and place, but am meticulous with characterization and interaction.

I guess I could just call it fantasy, but that would be misleading. Because I'm not necessarily into it for the things most often associated with the fantasy genre. Sure, I sometimes enjoy world building, but I prefer to let it a bit more (sometimes a lot more) loose than most fantasy does. And I love magic, but my attention is more in coming up with everyday uses of it, small and handy stuff, than epic world shaking spells. That being said, I do go against these preferences from time to time.

I guess my genre could be called something like "elaborate fairy tale". Haha. Since I don't know if there is an actual word for the subgenre I mostly write in. I would guess no, since I don't think I find books like mine sitting on every other corner. Or maybe I am always looking from the wrong places. I would like to read more stories from this narrow category... In that aspect I'm pretty simple. I like to read what I like to write.

Here's a picture from my most fantasy-loyal story, to describe what most of my stories are like. The character is the only clearly defined thing, and the focus of the story. Everything else is the background, symbolic, up for interpretation and even surrealistic.

If you have any books in mind that sound like this, would you please be kind enough to point me in their direction? Thank you!