Life Changes

I've noticed a sort of weird thing in the recent years: Whenever something that seems like a major change in my life has happened, I haven't felt like anything has changed at all. I immediately get used to it and it feels like it's always been the way it is now.

I think I've been wondering about that ever since I moved away from home and started university. That should've been a big life change, but it wasn't. Literally the most significant thing about it was "Yay, I can eat as much frozen pizza as I want."

The same year I found the word "asexual" and a whole community of people with experiences similar to mine, but to be honest I wasn't even surprised. It was cool to talk to others like me, but it was like the word immediately became a part of my identity and I didn't really need to digest it.

I think I've been thinking this again, because I just moved to a new apartment a couple of weeks ago after living in the same place for five years, and I already feel as if I've always been living here. Like every corner is as familiar as the back of my hand. Sure, I still get excited about how much more space I have now, but essentially I feel just as much at home as I've always felt.

However, I think the most hilarious example is, when I started dating my roommate and best friend last year, because our situation is anything but ordinary. I honestly believed I would never date anyone because I had no desire to, and wasn't attracted to anyone. She on the other hand was a Mormon and convinced that she was straight. And now it feels like we've always been dating.

It's funny how you can prevent yourself from seeing the obvious when you believe something. Apparently, being best friends and even living together for years without realizing you're in love with each other is not just movie stuff. It can really happen. It happened to us. (We were also one of those couples who everyone else thought was together long before it happened.)

Having romantic feelings for someone for the first time in my life should've been big. Seeing my best friend, now girlfriend, leave the religion she'd believed in for 25 years, partly because of me, should've been big. And sure, when I think about it, I can say it was, but in the end not really. Because it still feels like nothing has changed.

And I think I've come to realize why that is. If a change is natural, if it's good for you, and if it's actually already a part of who you are, it's not going to feel mindblowing. It's going to feel like the most natural thing, because, it is.

Different types of selflessness

I guess this was triggered by a conversation I had online recently.

There are different ways to be selfless and there are different ways to be selfish. Sounds pretty obvious, I know. But, as people generally like to do with other things too, sometimes some of them get really caught up in whose way is the right way.

Particularly, right now I'm thinking about people who think the only true way of serving the world around you is to be an activist of some sort. To help the people who are the most in need, to go to the places where things are the hardest.

People generally agree that being helpful or selfless is a good thing. But there are also people who think that the only true way, or at least, the highest level of doing that, is what I described above.

And sometimes people can be really quick to judge other people's lives by this standard, without having ever met them, or knowing much about them at all.

A character who would agree with me. Her name is Venna.

Often this starts with someone either describing their "cause" to me, or asking what mine is when they assume I have one. And then I will describe the way I live my life and some of the philosophies behind it. How I don't have a singular "cause" that my life is centered around. How I care about many humanitarian and environmental issues, and do my best to live my day to day life in alignment with that. How my sister describes me to be "thinking globally and acting locally". How I'm more concerned with what is happening in my immediate surroundings, and being of help to the people who are the closest to me, or reach out to me. How I have no drive to go somewhere else or lead a campaign, and how my personality wouldn't be suited for it. How I think that I personally feel I've accomplished the most, when I've touched an individual life, when someone tells me that the way I live my life has inspired them.

This is usually when they start "disagreeing" with me, though I'm only describing my personal ways. They don't want to see us as equals with different life styles. They see me as "going in the right direction but not being quite there yet". As if my life style is merely a stepping stone to their life style, which is the ultimate goal.

I really don't like this kind of condescending attitude, but I will go on to explain to them how I don't think there's only one way to help the world around you. How some people are more suited to take on leadership roles, how some are more suited to be an activist, and how some are more suited to take care of what's right in front of them. It all comes down to personality and motivation. How I also don't think that helping the one most in need is what everyone should always be focused on. Of course it has to work that way in things like health care, you have to prioritize patients to keep everyone alive if possible. But I don't think that my neighbour's heartbreak is irrelevant because of "the children in Africa". (Quotations because the people who use that phrase usually don't even consider what it really means, they just like to say it for argument's sake.)

Of course I agree that wealth and resources are divided anything but evenly in the world and respect the people who are trying to do something about it in larger scale. However, I also don't agree that everyone should be focused on that, because if I was helping the "children in Africa" then who would be listening to my neighbour's heartbreak? Just because she isn't dying at the moment, doesn't mean that I can't be concerned about her, or that helping her is lesser.

At this point it's usually evident that these people think I'm childish or small minded. They are so adamant that their way is the only right way.

But how did they come to the conclusion that their "cause" is the most urgent one, anyway? The one that the world needs the most? Usually they don't have a clear reasoning for it. Because it's way more complex than that. They aren't doing what they do because it's "right", like they seem to think. They're doing it, because they have a personal motivation, and a drive for it.

And if I don't have a drive for it, then what good would I be for them?

Yeah, I know, they think they can awaken this drive in me, because they think it's the only way to go about life. For some reason it seems like they have to believe that what they're doing is the ultimate good, and no one else is good enough unless they're doing the same thing with their lives.

But it's not like that. Because no one knows what's the ultimate best thing for the world, and everyone has different drives and motivations. These people are not, for example, trying to make the world vegan because it's a higher calling. They're doing it, because they have the drive and the personality for it. And they shouldn't think that anyone who simply is vegan is below them, or ultimately going to become like them someday.

Trying to make big changes in the world isn't the only way to make change, and the big changes will only last if individual people will live it true in their daily lives. And this isn't a one-way process, it's more of a circle. There are different ways to help people and that should be good! I'm glad that some people are fit to lead campaigns. Just like I'm glad that some people are fit to help their neighbours and friends in their day to day problems and sorrows, like me.

And though these ways seem opposite, neither is more selfish or selfless than the other. The one that is sacrificing all their time to a cause, can be extremely selfish in the eyes of that neighbour, who only asked for a little bit of their time, for a few kind words, but they only ever have time for "the world". Just like from the eyes of the activist, the person going around helping neighbours is selfish because "they could be doing so much more with their time".

But the world just wouldn't work if everyone was the same, right? Like, there has to be people who are able to ignore people's immediate feelings around them, and focus on practical things instead. Just like there has to be people who are willing to "waste" time, and listen to personal problems. Because even if there is enough food and water for everyone, it won't matter if people are so lonely and depressed, that they're not going to want to live. The same is true the other way around too of course. Words of kindness and a listening ear alone isn't going to pay the rent.

All I'm really saying is that people have a lot of different needs, and the environment has a lot of different needs too. And I wish that people would be happy that there are different kinds of people to cater to all those different needs! It shouldn't be about who is more selfless or who is doing the most good in the world. This shouldn't be an ego issue.

And what people should realize is an ego issue, is which things in the world you're determined to make better. Just because you have a personal instead of an "absolute, unquestionable, divine" reason to do what you do, doesn't make it insignificant. Instead, after realizing that, you can help people better, because you understand what it is you're getting from it.

Sometimes I just want to tell people "Relax, you're fine, you don't have to be perfect" but I know it wouldn't help them, it would just rub them in SUCH a wrong way.

If I don't stop now this is going to get out of hand, so I'll just conclude this with a rose I drew with my left hand, and another that I drew with my right foot. Because why not.

What fanfiction taught me

I just got cool pictures from the ballet Wizard of Oz but I already made a post about that so I'm gonna cheer this post up with pictures from it, (mostly me as Glinda and the Wizard) even though they've got nothing to do with the topic.


All photos by Piia Kinnunen (@piijjakinnunen)

I used to have kind of a love-hate relationship with fanfiction and that's something I've been thinking about recently. For a long time I had this arbitrary rule for myself that I don't read or write it. Mostly because when I tried to read it, it just usually disappointed me, and the one time that I made a long fan comic in high school, it consumed me and held me back from writing my original stuff. When I grew out of that comic I decided I wouldn't make fanfiction again, because it wasn't as productive as making my original stuff.

But the thing is I loved making that comic. I was more into it than any of my original stories at the time. It was simply the one that interested me the most during that year. I think there was no way that I wouldn't have drawn it, I was that obsessed with the anime/visual novel: Fate/Stay Night, and so dissatisfied with the ending that there was no other way for me to get over it.

I was able to stick to my rule after that because I just wasn't as obsessed with any series after that in many years. Momentarily, sure, but if a series has a completely satisfying ending I'll usually just have a hangover about it for a week or a month or so during which I may fantasize about how the characters' lives go on, but it's not going to last long enough to be so strong that I'll HAVE to write about it. With Fate it turned to years and I thought about how I saw the story continuing every single day. That didn't happen to me for years after I got over Fate.

Until about three years ago when I almost accidentally watched an anime. Kuroko no Basket.

Oh dear. That was a rabbit hole.

Long story short, I've written close to 300 000 words of fan fiction about that series now. And for the first few months I felt so guilty about it. Like I was doing something despicable.

When you think about it objectively, it can't be. Especially when it comes to anime and manga, since in Japan they actually sell fan works, like, technically you could be a professional doujinshi artist. So, the moral side of it is definitely safe. Even if the original creator was bothered by some material that others make of his characters, considering the content people make of it and get actual money from, I don't see how my fic could be offensive in any way.

So, obviously that's not where my guilt was coming from. I didn't think it was bad to write fan fiction in general. For some reason I just didn't think it was okay for me.

Well, that's kind of hypocritical isn't it? And I guess it was that thought what made me realize what this was about.

I just didn't identify as a "fanfiction writer".

But the truth is it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you write if you have a passion for it. That's all that matters. And I've always been saying this, so it's kind of funny to find this hypocritical side of me.

I mean, it's not different. The way I feel about writing someone else's characters, the obsession I have for the story, the drive to put it into words is exactly the same as it is when I write my own stuff. So, just because, at one moment the story that I care about the most happens to have come from someone else's story, shouldn't make it less valuable. If I feel that strongly about it, I should just write it.

Now, I know that this may sound far-fetched, but thinking like this brought to my mind how often I had ranted about heteronormative people seeing love between people of the same sex as something "other". Using words like "gay love". Oh, how I ranted about love being just love! About how there's no such thing as "gay love". About how, no matter what sex or gender the people in love are or who they're in love with, it's going to feel exactly the same, (as far as love feels the same to people to begin with). It's not "other" and it's not less valuable. For some reason people just feel a need to alienate themselves from expressions of love they're not familiar with. They're afraid to empathize with it because they still see there's something wrong with it, even if they technically aren't against it.

Well.

Isn't that exactly how I felt about fanfiction!

I guess realizing that I was doing exactly what I criticized other people about in another context, was exactly what I needed. It released me from all guilt and made me embrace what I was doing more freely than I had before.

And guess what? I've still written two original novels during the year I've written this super long fanfiction piece. Because working on what you love doesn't drain your creative energy. It can make you more creative. Giving myself the freedom to do what I want, when I want, and not having the obligation to always write just my original stuff makes me more productive than I would be if I forced myself to write something else when I'm really into another thing. While it's true that you can't run solely on inspiration, and sometimes work is just work, and as a professional there's going to be deadlines too, still, in general, being able to do what inspires you the most at the moment, is way more beneficial for your creative energy than forcing yourself to work on the second or third best project at the time.

So what, if what I want to write the most at one moment happens to be someone else's characters?

Writing a story is, in a way, being in love. At least, I believe that the best stories come from being in love with the story and the characters. And our stories always come from somewhere anyway. Just because something is "original" as in, it can't be obviously traced back to one source, doesn't necessarily make it that original in the end. It's always coming from somewhere. Original fiction is just a more complicated synthesis of different things we've absorbed. With fan fiction the primary source of inspiration is more clear cut. However, that doesn't necessarily make it unoriginal, either. What you do with the characters, might still be something the original creator would've never thought of, and it can still be exactly what someone else needed to read. It can still be profound, nuanced, and make for great fiction. An "original" story could be a total rip off and a fan fiction story could be the most touching, well written and authentic piece you've read in a while. Original doesn't always mean better.

I've also realized that I have writing skills that come out in fanfiction differently than they do in my own writing. I've always gotten good feedback on my characters, how they're easy to grasp and like. That I'm good at writing different personalities and viewpoints. In fanfiction, this means that I'm good at maintaining everyone in character. I have a good grasp on other people's characters like I have on my own, and it makes my fanfiction easy to read and relate to, since the characters feel like they feel in the original work. (This is what people have told me, and I believe it, because it makes sense.)

However, I also have a strong drive to interpret things, not just replicate them, so my versions of other people's characters are always going to have some additional depth. In fact, I've come to think that characters that inspire me to write fanfiction fall on a specific point in a spectrum regarding character depth: They have a lot of potential depth that doesn't quite show in the original work. And that's what inspires me to bring it out of them.

So far it seems that I'm definitely not the only one who gets something out of my interpretations, so that's been a really cool experience!

I've come to realize that the same things that I always think, should apply to fanfiction. If I love it, if I have a drive for it, if I feel like I have something to give or contribute in it, I should just do it.

That kind of thinking is what has lead me to the stage, doing these roles in these pictures too, so why the heck should fanfiction be any different?

Sure, a new obsession is time consuming. But if it's meant to be, it's just meant to be.

The Wizard of Oz

I don't usually blog about specific life events, but last Sunday was so memorable I'd like to digest it this way.

For the last semester we worked on our Wizard of Oz ballet in the ballet school I go to, and Sunday was finally the performance day. We had a double cast (two performances) and in the first one I had a solo as Glinda, and in the second one I was the Wizard. These were both solos on pointe and this was the first time I ever got to do that, so it was really memorable and exciting for me!

Here's an early picture of me posing as Glinda, taken around February, I think.

I've never been anything remotely remarkable when it comes to ballet. I don't think I'm completely without talent: I've always been praised for my soft style and musicality for example, but the truth is I'm not a very kinesthetic person. My memory for movements and steps is not very long, I have to refresh it all the time, or I'll forget everything, and the next time I come around something that should be easy, it's going to feel like I've never done it before. I'm also not very flexible and don't have the kind of muscles that give you a lot of explosive power, so I'm not good at jumps and stuff, and also not so great with a lot of fast and tiny movements with my feet.

However, I am a very visual and artistic person, and since I also love telling stories, I think this is the combination that brought me to ballet in the first place and why I still do it. This, and finding a school that was so accepting and appreciative of everyone, regardless of objective talent, has finally, after 13 years of dancing, made me able to get to the level where I can do a solo on pointe (at least in a small school and a small city's theater's stage). I've been in my current school for four years, and in that time I have improved more than in all my previous years of dancing! Last autumn I was good enough to join the representative group of our school, and because of that, this ballet year has been more exciting (and busier) than any year before!

The "grand finale" of this year was the performance day last Sunday. And I was SO nervous before it. I can't even remember the last time I've really been nervous before a performance, dancing as a part of the group has been so normal for me for so many years, but I don't have much experience doing solos and definitely not on pointe. Before I came to this school I was not good enough to dance anything on pointe on stage. All my skills in pointe work have been developed in this school. But this year I really did develop faster than I ever had, partially because I finally found exactly the right pointe shoes for me! It was almost a miracle how fast I improved after discovering those shoes! I had been dancing with the wrong kind of shoes for 10 years, and nobody had ever even noticed...

So, by the beginning of 2019 this all had led to me being cast as Glinda, and the Wizard (plus I had a couple of the usual "corps" roles everyone in my group was doing). I was so excited! It had been my life long dream to be able to do a classical pointe solo on stage. I'm 25, almost 26, but, I finally got there! The rehearsals weren't always great of course, I still had a LOT of work to do with Glinda especially, it being undoubtedly the more difficult role, dancing-wise. At some point I really struggled, and I had some problems with nerves towards the performance day. I remember this one rehearsal where my mind went completely blank at the beginning of my solo, and of course, forgetting the first few steps, I kinda panicked after that, and the rest was a disaster.

But in the end, the actual performance went well. I felt like it went well, my teacher praised me, and I got a lot of positive feedback from other students. I'm not sure if my parents' feedback counts, because, well, they're my parents, and they tend to think I'm brilliant, no matter what I do, but they did seem even more impressed than normal. And I don't even remember the last time I'd had that kind of adrenaline rush! And how I felt afterwards. I was terrified three days before the show but it went well, and afterwards I just felt so great. I hope I'll get to do something like that again, I really hope I keep improving and get to do more difficult things, because it's just so exciting!

After Glinda, everything else felt like a piece of cake. Well, I did make a mistake in the poppy dance I was in... Before the dance started I knelt down on the stage with the wrong knee, so I had to change it because it mattered to what happened next, but, I think I was able to do it in a subtle way. I hope! I guess I'll get to see it at some point in a video.

Here I am in the poppy outfit.

After the first show was over I was definitely starting to feel tired because of the emotional and physical roller coaster Glinda had put me through, but I was also starting to really be able to just enjoy everything and not worry! Though, during the rehearsals I managed to place myself in a really uneven spot on the stage. There were a lot of weird bumps and holes, and I hit my toes in them and they got a pretty nasty ache after that... But I was able to relax my feet well enough before the real show, and all went okay!

Here's the Tornado scene, I was there lifting Dorothy up, too. Photography by Jani Tykkyläinen.

I really enjoyed dancing the Wizard, because after the technically demanding and almost "naked" Glinda it was kind of relaxing, because it was less about the technique and more about the illusion of the Wizard. It kind of felt like I was doing exactly what the Wizard does too: Hiding behind an illusion instead of actually dancing that much. But I don't mean this in a negative sense, I just thought this suited the role of the Wizard perfectly!

Here I am as the Wizard, hiding behind and doing fun stuff with the golden "wings". Photography by Jani Tykkyläinen.

After everything was over and we were all standing on the stage, our teacher giving the usual speech, I was in for one more surprise: I got the award for the most advanced student this year! I have certainly not been awarded anything in ballet before, not me as an individual dancer, and while I of course knew that I had improved a lot during this year, I wasn't even thinking I'd get this kind of reward for it, since I had the impression that only little kids got awards this year. And even if I hadn't thought that, I could've named a lot of other good candidates for the award, so, it was definitely a surprise, and really the cherry on top for already a great day and a great year!

I'll try my best to translate what my teacher had written about me:

"Eve is a persistent and hardworking dancer, who has an engaging, soft and flowing quality of movement. She has worked her way up from the adult ballet classes to being a member of the representative group Prima, which shows great perseverance and also talent and intelligence."

This is from the first show's end.

I celebrated everything at home by eating sushi and watching the cartoon She-Ra. Though I was so tired I could barely focus, I also wrote everything in my journal before going to sleep.

One more picture of me as Glinda, with my girlfriend who has also turned into a bun head with my influence, a couple of years ago! She was a citizen in the Emerald City, and one of the Wicked Witch's minions (which were not exactly flying monkeys). She has also made a lot of progress in two years, from having a few steps on stage, to two full scenes!

Just to make sure that this day was actually PERFECT, Finland won the World Championship in hockey, which is a HUGE deal here. Like, the time Finland won the championship for the first time is probably right there on the pedestal next to the day Finland became an independent country. Yeah, it's that huge. After even this third time, people have been pulling crazy stunts to celebrate and companies are already selling merch based on inside jokes sparked by the games of the tournament. So, of course I was watching that game until midnight too, though I was too tired to focus completely. But I was so happy about everything and it only added to my happiness.

Sometimes a day is just as perfect as it could possibly be, right?

Blog survey for writers: 10. What are some really weird situations your characters have been in?

Sometimes, when I was younger I had a habit of making situations really weird by mixing comedic elements with serious scenes. The problem was that I didn't really know how to do it skillfully yet. This was especially evident in my impro comic with my friend, because we both had this habit.

There was a time in the comic when Viola and Keller were participating in a singing contest their school held (which was weird on its own right because the prize was an actual recording contract...) and while Viola was watching Keller's performance, thinking how good she was, she saw a faint image of angel wings behind Keller. And then suddenly, surprise: Time stopped! And for some reason Viola was the only one whose time didn't stop. And she saw an image of a moon looming above her, and it started talking to Viola, saying that it was Keller's "sign" and had come to warn her.

Um... Some supernatural power, huh? Couldn't even come to the right person at the right time.

This was from my friend's pen, but I made this whole thing even weirder. Because I made the sign reappear when the girls were flying towards the cursed mountain in some freaky big soap bubbles. (Unexplained, of course.) And the sign told Keller that she had only two weeks left to live as a human if the girls didn't hurry up and complete their mission in that time!

Yeah, I had probably started to feel self-conscious about how little the characters actually did for their magical mission, so I wanted to speed things up. It sure worked, but looking back to it the scene with Keller floating in a bubble listening to her death sentence from a moon is pretty weird.


But it's not like my stories haven't been weird since then.

In my university years' writing project "Ashland" the characters were visiting a neighbour town when they passed by a haunted house, and heard the ghost claimed to be someone they knew very well, and who shouldn't have been anywhere nearby, so that was pretty weird.

Once one of them had to dance with another character and spin her around until she fainted, because she was possessed by a weird demon.

I've also drawn a good amount of character meme based situations for these characters for fun, and many of those are pretty weird and funny. Maybe not so much if you don't know the characters, but oh well, I'll share some of them anyway...

I drew these, because I like trolling on my characters' personalities and there isn't always enough room for that when you're telling a "serious" story.

Anyway, this is what I had on top of my mind, so let's leave it at this.

Stress

People have always told me I'm SO calm. Calm, calm, calm....  Peaceful, relaxed, never look like I'm nervous. That I come off as confident, at ease, that I know what I'm doing.

Even when I'm doing something that does actually make me a little nervous, like giving a speech.

For the most part, I agree, anyway. My emotions tend to be slow-moving, and my basic mood is happy, peaceful and content. I don't generally experience much fluctuation in my mood during the day. (This does mean, however, that once I do get upset, I stay that way for a long time.)

In the recent years it hasn't been so natural to feel at peace all the time anymore, though. A lot of things have increased my stress levels:

• realizing I didn't want to do any of the most obvious jobs for my degree, and that it would be difficult to find a job with it
• still trying out one of those jobs while writing my master's degree and being worn out from it
• then finishing my degree and seeing that the reality really is that it's almost impossible to find meaningful work, since I'm either not qualified, or overeducated
• overworking myself as a mail carrier, for the money and to see what it would be like to have a full time job while still trying to maintain my almost daily ballet classes, my fiction writing and other hobbies and friendships
• quitting after four months due to physical burn out (I mean I was practically exercising 8-9 hours a day! Who does that except athletes!?)

The worst is definitely behind me by now, though.

Before graduation I had always had very socially oriented jobs. Especially at my last one I was organizing events and leading groups all the time. After the day I would always find myself so mentally exhausted that I didn't have energy to do my creative work anymore, I just wanted to lie down and do nothing. I should've known sooner that I'm too introverted for that kind of jobs.

After graduation I had this idea that I would have to have both solitary, and practical, ideally physical job to balance out writing, drawing and my other creative "brain work". That way I wouldn't run out of mental energy anymore! Well, obviously it wasn't the case. Sure, I didn't run out of mental energy, so it seemed to work fine at first. But in the end, I ran out of physical energy, and the result was the same. I was too exhausted to function properly after two months. My body simply didn't have enough time to recover, when my ballet class ended at 9 PM and I'd have to get up 5 AM for more physical labor. 

In the end I wasn't able to do anything more than the most basic things to keep my daily life going.

However, during that time I noticed I really didn't need to save my "brain work" for just creative stuff. I still had a craving to study all the time. I noticed I was filling the gap that graduating had left by reading a lot more non-fiction than I'm used to, and watching a lot of religion related Youtube channels with a "scientist's" mindset. Even though I thought I had left it behind and didn't want to study religions anymore. Turns out I do! People's thought processes are just way too fascinating for me. They beg for analysis.

And after I left for a sick leave from my mail carrying job, due to exhaustion, I just suddenly had this idea that I wanted to do research and go for a PhD. All the stress that had been building up for a few years now, seemed to fly out of the window then. I was so excited. I put together a vague research plan in a few days and sent it to a professor, who thought the topic was good and I should continue with it. So, now, a few weeks later I have applied for an early-stage researcher's position. I don't expect to get it, since I came up with this plan so close to the deadline, but I have a few alternative ways to go with this, so at some point in the next year, I will definitely be able to really get this going.

I think that research could be a perfect profession for me in the long run. It could be introverted enough. I could still handle some teaching. Obviously I haven't given up on my dream of writing fiction full time. But right now I want to see were this route might take me, as well.

If it released me from years of slowly building stress in a day, it's got to be worth a shot.

Selfish, childish and foolish

Why is it selfish to want more?

You already have a roof over your head, you don't have to worry about your next meal, you have a family you love, great friends, you have a degree, and you have hobbies. So many people don't have these things you take for granted. You are already good enough at many things, for them to bring you joy. You should just be grateful that you've been given such a gift, so many people can't do one of the many things you can do. You shouldn't have the nerve to say you aren't good enough at something when so many people are bad at it!

But people have other needs than the very basic ones. And for some reason I should show my deep gratefulness, and how humble my privilege has made me, by denying myself anything more. Because it's selfish. Because everyone doesn't have what I have. But that means denying my humanity. It means denying myself growth and dreams. It means to stop moving forward, to stop making progress, to stop striving for greatness? And for who? No one! Denying yourself good things isn't going to help anyone in need. It's completely and solely for your own ego.

I'm so annoyed when people tell me I should be grateful I draw, or write so well. That it's selfish to say I'm not good enough. Because there are other people who don't draw or write as well as I do. But how is that selfish, when me, and those people have completely different personal standards?? When I say I'm not good enough, I obviously mean I'm not good enough (yet) for someone who is looking to write or draw for a living, I'm not saying it because I want people to convince me I'm good! It's not a cry for pity, it's a realistic and critical examination of my abilities and how much I still have to grow before I can reach my goals. I'm not comparing myself to other people but the standard I have to reach! Can't people understand the difference?

Denying yourself the wishes that are higher in the hierarchy of needs means denying your human nature, and denying the progress humanity could have through you. And for what? For your ego.

That's what I call selfish.


Why is it childish to make your own path?

Get a high education, get a job that pays well, get a man, get a house, get a kid or two or three. You shouldn't be reluctant to have so stressful job that you have no energy for your hobbies anymore, because that is completely normal. You should be serious about finding a man, otherwise, when you are older and wiser and realize you want a man, there won't be any good ones left. Of course you will want children, you silly. After all, all of these are things that everybody owes to society.

I have nothing in particular against the idea of having a high(er) education, a well paying job, and a family.

Except, that I prioritize other things. And, there are only so many hours in a day.

But why is it childish to want to create a life that suits you personally? Why am I childish for prioritizing things that make my life meaningful, like my hobbies? As if it's childish to want to be happy. As if adults aren't meant to be happy.

As if I'm not a productive member of society, if I don't make a lot of money and kids. Well, in the name of Art and Culture, I firmly believe that there are other things to contribute to society besides those two mentioned earlier.

Doing what you're "expected to do" only because most people do it, labeling things that cause some people harm as "normal" only because it doesn't cause harm to most, and believing it's the only way even when it does, because others did the same before you and didn't whine about it... expecting everyone to become adults the same way, to become the same kind of adults...

That's what I call childish.


Why is it foolish to try, against the odds?

You can't make a living out of writing or any kind of art. So few people are able to make that happen, there's no point even trying. You must get a sensible job that pays well, then you can have hobbies in your free time. But don't expect anything to come out of them. Because most people dream of a creative job. But that's just it. It's a dream! You should really get it together and stop investing so much time to things that don't pay. It's time to get serious.

Yeah, okay, but some people do make it. Some people can make a living out of their dream. Technically, I could be one of them.

But I'm not expecting to be. I'm doing what I do because it's personally fulfilling for me, in itself. I'm not dreaming about being a writer because I think it's somehow a glorious career! I'm dreaming about it, because I love writing, and I have so many stories to tell. But it's not the end of the world if I can't make a living out of it. As long as I can tell those stories.

And I am very serious, thank you very much. I'm serious about all those things that don't pay. I'm serious about the experience of reading a great book, I'm serious about every doodle that is making me draw better, and I'm serious about every ballet class where I can improve myself, even though I've always known I'm not cut out to be a dancer. I'm sorry they're not the same things you're serious about.

What baffles me is, that some people seem to think that your job should automatically be more important to you than your hobbies. That if you can't make a living out of something you should pretty much just throw it out of the window. You shouldn't even try to arrange your life the way that makes you able to do the things you truly want to do, the things that fill your life with meaning, even when they don't pay, because it's... objectively more sensible to have a lot of money than be happy?

You can't make compromises because more money is always more important than more time and energy? Just because you can't get everything you dream of, you should just... stop dreaming, and not try to even get a portion of it?

That's what I call foolish.


End of rant.